What You Want
by navycorpsman
Summary: She loves him, but she knows she's his mistress, despite being his wife. The Army has him and refuses to let go. For most of their marriage, he's been deployed, but now, there are two small kids involved.
1. Waiting

She sat by the phone, waiting for it to ring. She figured if she stared at it long enough, it would, but, like everything else, it didn't do what she wanted it to. She sipped her coffee as she watched the sunrise. _Did you see the same sunrise? Will I see the sunset you saw?_ She thought to herself. She missed him and, she was sure, he missed her.

He hadn't come home. The rest of his unit did, but he didn't. She didn't receive a telegram or a visit, so she knew he'd not been killed. He should have called, but he didn't. But, then again, wasn't this just like him? She may have been his wife, but she was still his mistress. The Army held him and she was jealous of the Army.

Even before his deployment, there were problems. Seemingly, he had been deployed nearly their entire marriage and this time, there were two young kids she had to take care of. She knew they were sleeping and blissfully unaware of his absence. However, every night, she felt it. She was bombarded with dreams of him being killed over there. She avoided watching the news, knowing that with each Soldier killed, she'd fear it was him.

She wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married to him, but she wasn't sure if she wanted a divorce either. She loved him. He was, in every sense, her world, but she knew she could never be his world. She knew this when she married him, but somehow, it didn't seem real. He said he never wanted it to be his life and yet, he was now consumed by it.

The night had been cold and she couldn't find rest in her sleep. His side had been empty for too long now and she began to fear it would never be filled again. She wiped a stray tear from her eyes. She heard the soft padding of a child's walk to her. The very child that made him decide to stay in.

She pulled the toddler to her and held her close. Her daughter's blonde hair was tangled from sleep and her blue eyes were still heavy from sleep. For a few tender moments, they sat there, Mother drinking coffee from a mug and the daughter drinking water from a sippy cup. As her daughter rubbed her eyes, she heard the faint cries of her son. She carried her still tired daughter to the room she shared with her younger brother.

She looked down at her son, who, even at the tender age of one year, looked like his dad. She felt the tears come as she looked at him. He was too young to understand why his mom cried, but he smiled and reached up to her and her heart warmed. She placed her daughter down and picked up her son. The day had to start whether she wanted it to or not.


	2. The Start Of The Day

The day had begun as it always had: the alarm clock shrieking loudly in her ear, reminding it was time for her to get up and, in turn, she would wake him up. He'd just moan and pull the covers over his head, complaining about how morning comes too early and he'd hop out of bed if it warmed up.

That was him. Her baby.

But she didn't care. It was routine and she loved it. Of course, his little temper fit would only last a second before he slid out of bed.

This is how it is. Or at least, how it was. The day had started the same, but this time, he wasn't there to complain about getting out of bed. She lay there a couple more minutes, her hand on his pillow, wondering where he was and what he was doing. She wiped some stray tears and went down for the coffee. There she would stare intently at the phone, almost willing it to ring, but it never did.

* * *

He tapped his phone card on the counter. He knew he should call and that she'd be waiting. But, he couldn't seem to make himself. _After all, what would we talk about? She'd tell me about Courtney and Joey and all I've can say is 'Oh, the sandstorms aren't that bad.' _ He thought. Still, he knew she had the right to know why he was delayed in coming home. Hesitant, he picked up the phone and dialed the numbers.

* * *

She heard the phone ring and ran to answer it, but barely missed it. She heard his voice over the answer machine. "Hey baby! It's me. Guess you're getting the kids up. Sorry I missed you. I just really wanted to hear your voice again. I love you and I'll try later. Bye." 

The sadness in his voice brought her to tears. She played it again, just to hear his voice. Her daughter clung to her leg and she looked up at her and in the sweetest three-year-old voice, Courtney asked "Can we call Daddy back?"

She looked down to her tousled head blue eyed baby. "No, honey. Daddy will have to call us back."

"Will he?"

She knelt down kissed and her head. "Of course he will. Let's all go and get ready. We'll have a day that's just for us and we'll take lots and lots of pictures so Daddy can see them, kay?" She stood up.

"Kay." The little tow-headed girl ran to her room.

_A day for just us. No John._ She began to feel the tears forming and she wiped them, composing herself for the day ahead.


	3. The Day Just For Us

"HORSEY! I get the horsey!" Courtney ran to the brightly coloured horse on the carousel. With a helpful hoist from Mom, she sat proud on the horse, saying "Princess!"

She put her son on the white horse next to his sister. As the carousel went round, she thought back to the first time she met him. It was on a carousel like this. They had both wanted the same horse, but he let her ride it and he rode next to her. They talked. They laughed. They fell in love.

But that was a long time ago. Before he entered West Point. Before he became a Captain. Before the Army became his long time love that refused to let go. She looked at her daughter and thought back to the day that she told him they were having a child.

He was just about ready to be discharged from the Army after his four years. He didn't feel the Army life was well suited for children and college certainly wasn't, so they waited. Waited until he was out of the Army before starting a family, and yet, when she told him, he stood up and sighed. He'd stay in. The benefits, he now felt, were too great to let go and join the civilian world.

He never regretted his decision. He loved his family and the Army kept them fed and clothed and housed. He knew that maybe civilian life would be easier. After all, he wouldn't get deployed. He may make more money, but he wanted a secure life for his wife and kids. The civilian world couldn't offer him that. He told her he'd take less pay as an Officer in the Army if it could provide them stability.

She never said no.

She was, despite days where she missed him terribly, supportive of his decision and knew he was right. They couldn't be given a better life in the civilian world.

But now, as she and the kids enjoyed their day at the park, she missed him. She wanted him to be there; to experience the carousel and the sunshine with her and the kids. She wanted him to see how much Joey looked like him.

She held her sleeping son and thought about the day he was born. He couldn't be there. He was training for his upcoming deployment. Silently, she cursed the Army. He had missed both of his children's births because the Army, his mistress, had him somewhere else. He'd never seen Joey except for pictures. He never held his son or kissed his cheek. _How much he's missing._ She thought as she listened to her daughter laugh on the swing. _He's got too much to catch up on and not time to ever catch completely up._


	4. AWOL And Memories

He looked at the young Soldier standing in front of him. He knew he should punish her for going AWOL, but there were times he thought about it. If he did, he thought, at least he'd have time with his family before being sent to the brig. He couldn't blame her. _Shit. I'd do the same thing to see my children._ He thought as he told her what to tell her unit.

He looked at her, acutely aware that she reminded him of his wife. The long blonde hair and soft features and that soft accent that gave her South Carolina upbringing away. Jennifer Evans captured his imagination when he went to Myrtle Beach the summer before leaving for West Point. He recalled that carousel and how they wanted to ride the same horse. He was a gentleman and let her ride it, but rode the one next to her and talked.

He knew he wanted to marry her before he knew her name.

By the time the carousel ride ended, she had taken up his offer for coffee. He laughed silently about that first meeting. He had just been accepted to West Point and she was getting ready to enter her senior year of high school. _I could've gotten in a lot of shit over that these days._ He smiled.

Before he left for West Point, he made one last visit to see her and meet her family. Her parents didn't scare him like he thought they might. He was surprised to find that they approved of him and didn't mind their 17-year-old daughter dating the 19 year old. He leaned back in his chair and relived her dad's 'interrogation' of him. He answered his intent was to marry her as soon as he could afford to and of course, after she graduated from high school and got into college. He had no intentions of doing otherwise.

But, now, he missed her and wondered if he had made the right choice by staying in the Army all these years. He'd missed the birth of his children and wouldn't recognize Courtney now if it wasn't for the pictures. He pulled out his wallet and looked at the picture of his son. _He looks just like me, poor bastard._ He laughed to himself. _I miss you and your sister and your mommy and I'll be home soon._

A mortar round brought him back to the reality that he was in a war and didn't know when, if ever, he'd return.


	5. Longing

She put Courtney and Joey down for naps and laid down on the couch. She looked at some pictures of happier times in the Baron household. Times when he was home. She smiled at the picture of him holding Courtney for the first time. "She was five months old and scared as hell of you, John." She spoke aloud, even though he wasn't there. "She cried and cried and cried when you picked her up. Even now, she's shy with you. She knows you as 'Daddy', but you're still a stranger to her and I don't know how Joey will respond when you meet for the first time. He doesn't even know you as 'Daddy'. You're just a voice and a picture to him. When will you ever truly be 'Daddy'?" She pounded the arm of the couch. "When will you ever be 'Husband'?" When do I get you to myself without the Army, your mistress, interfering?"

Day to day of being both Mommy and Daddy was taking its toll on her. She was in a constant state of tired and she began to wonder if she'd always be both to her children. She couldn't even see them as his kids. After all, she went through both pregnancies practically alone and both births alone, so the fact that he was their father seemed odd to her at times.

She got up from the couch and went to their room. In the closet, she pulled out their wedding album and thumbed through it. _Jesus, he was handsome then and time hasn't changed him at all._ She thought as she lovingly fingered his photo. _His Dress Mess uniform did him justice._ She loved him that uniform. He always looked regal, like the Baron his last name said he was.

She loved him in his DCUs. There was something she found appealing in the pictures he sent her. His Kevlar on his head with his Wiley X sunglasses protecting his eyes, his Carbine poised and ready to shoot at any moment and that damn thigh holster with the Beretta snapped in securely. She found that to be sexy and wanted him to wear that home from work one night. That way she could seductively remove it and make him succumb to her will.

_God, I love him!_ She thought as she cried, alone in the closet, her hiding spot away from the children and reality.

As much as she loved him in his Army issued gear, she thought he looked best when he was in his jeans and t-shirt, mowing the yard. She leaned against the back wall of the closet and wiped a few tears. This deployment seemed a lot harder for her than the previous ones. Maybe it was because one of their closest friends had been killed by an IED while on routine patrol. She worried more and more every day that it would be him.

She wiped her face some more and stepped out of her hiding place. She looked at the calendar and knew that it was only a matter of months before he came home. And she already had that night planned out and she smiled in anticipation.


	6. Extended

He lay back in his cot. He hadn't had a day this long since he first came over to Iraq. He read the letter over and over again. _She's having second thoughts._ He sighed silently. He knew that the life he decided to live for his family wasn't easy on her and he knew that his second deployment in almost as many years to Iraq made it even harder on her. _When I get back home, we're going to go to Hawai'i for a week. Just me and Jen._ He wanted to hold his wife and get to know her again. He felt like a stranger to her and he was sure she felt the same.

He was tired and wanted to sleep, but he found that sleep was hard to come by as he thought of his family at home. He wondered if Joey was learning to talk and if Courtney had finally let go of the binkie. He wondered how tall Courtney was getting. He wondered if his marriage would survive this deployment.

Knowing he couldn't sleep, he made his way to the phones. He dialed their number and felt his heart jump when she picked up. "Hey, baby!"

"Johnny!" She felt the tears of joy form. He hadn't been able to call for a while and when he did, she didn't make it to the phone. "I'm so glad to hear from you."

"Jesus, it's great to hear your voice." He wanted to jump through the phone and kiss her. "Everything okay there?"

"Yeah. The kids are sleeping." Her soft Southern accent made him long to hold her close and make love to her. "We went to the park today and they loved the carousel." She wiped some tears. She missed him and wanted him home so he wouldn't miss days like today.

"It's the same old here. I wish I had news like you. But, we're pretty stagnant here."

"John, you don't have to have news. I just want to hear your voice." She felt the tears form and knew her voice cracked. "You have no idea how much I miss you."

"I might." He smiled even though he knew she wouldn't see it. "You're all that gets me through this shit."

"I love you, John."

"I know. You know how much I love you, don't you?"

"Yeah. I do."

"I know this hasn't been easy on you and I'm sorry. I just wish I could…"

"I married a Soldier, John. Whether or not I like where the Army sends you, I have to deal with it. I'm not your wife, John. I'm your mistress. The Army and America and the flag have to come before family and I knew that when I married you. I may hate the fact you're deployed, but I love you and I'm willing to do my part to support you as you support us."

"I didn't get to tell you why I got extended." He sighed. He knew she wasn't going to like this.

"No, you didn't. Why?"

"They've got a new unit from 3rd ID coming and their Platoon Sergeant had emergency surgery and Chris is their new Platoon Sarge. He's pissed off about it and to make it easier for him, they extended me as well."

"When do you come home?"

"A year."

"God, John. You've already been over there a year." She was frustrated. "Can't they find another Captain?"

"As long as Chris is here, they want me here." He knew she was angry and he knew that her life just got a lot more complicated and rough. "I don't want it any more than you do, believe me. I miss you like crazy and I want nothing more than to be at home, with you and the kids."

"You have to do what you have to, John." She wiped a few stray tears away. _Another year without him. How will I survive?_ She thought. "Just know that no matter how long they keep you there that I'll be here waiting for you. The Army can not destroy our marriage."

"I love you, Jennifer."

"I love you, too, Jonathan."

He hung up the phone, hating that the Army was extending him. He hoped that he could last another year without her.


End file.
